Be The Light: My Testimony

I've been thinking a lot about my testimony and how I don't feel like it's this big grand story that so many others have experienced. I've always been a bit shy to share it with the thought that people would think it was peanuts compared to others. I also happen to be one of those types that cry every time I talk about it which brings me to the second reason I've been afraid of sharing my testimony. I don't want to break out into hysterics every time I'm asked about it. 

I just happened to run across a testimony today that stated it doesn't matter when, where, or how you were saved... the beauty is in the fact that you were given eternal life by the mercy and grace of God! This literally is the most amazing thing in the entire world! Every day I wonder how or why I am worthy of such a thing. This debunks my first reason for not sharing. Now to get passed the second reason for not sharing... I've decided to type it out. This way if I cry I am behind my computer screen where people cannot see me blubbering but it gives me the chance to share my story. It is a wonderful gift and I feel like the more christians who spread their stories, the greater the chances are of more people finding their savior. 

My story is a long drawn out story. The earliest I remember being taken to church was maybe about 7 years old. My aunt had taken me to her church and to be honest how she came about the church I'm not really sure. I've never really asked her about it. I do know she found the church on her own when she was in her 20's. I never really went to church services unless she would take me along with her and my cousin. She was a single mother with only one child and I was always the tag along. Aside from that, the only thing I knew about church was from different family members. My dad was raised in a Mormon faith household and my mother was raised with the ideals of the Catholic faith. Neither of my parents went to church or practiced in the faiths they were taught so I knew very little of either faith and their ideas. I always did believe there was a God, I believed in Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. My aunt taught me how to pray and I would say my prayers before bed when I was sleeping over at her house. I didn't know a whole lot about the bible. I couldn't tell you about any verses but I knew how to pray and I knew who I was praying to. I knew that Jesus died on the cross so all of our sins would be forgiven. I just didn't know how to use that knowledge to my benefit. 

Fast forward to 2016... My grandmother who to this day is one of few people who always had my best interest at heart. She always made me feel like I could reach for the stars if I wanted to. This is the year she got sick. She was diagnosed with cancer and went downhill fast. I could go on and on about this story but I'll spare the heartache. After she passed away which was in December of 2016 I remember saying out loud to someone. Well now I really have to believe in God and heaven if I want to see her again. This was literally one of the hardest times of my entire life. Right around that time there was a big presidential election going on, work was stressful and for some reason I had attracted all of these negative people who I felt like were draining everything I could give. 

A year of heartbreak, a year of frustration, a year of anger and self searching passed. The year I let all my faith in God disappear. I let him go and doubted the very little I had known about him earlier on in my life. The one year anniversary of my grandma's death was here already and I had never been more miserable, lonely, lost and angry in my entire life. I remember thinking to myself I've always tried to be a good person. Why is this all happening to me?  

New Years 2018 arrived, I remember thinking something has to change. Something has to give. One evening I was taking a bath, trying to let go of some stress when I had the overwhelming urge to cry. I remember crying out loud and all I could think was God please help me! I remember literally crying out loud to him. At that moment I remember feeling peace as I laid back and relaxed in my bath. A calm came over me and I remember that night was the first time in a while I had slept good. I woke up the next morning with the urge to learn more about God. To figure out how to grow my relationship with him. It was my goal at this point in my life because it was the only thing that gave me comfort and hope. About two weeks later my husband approached me out of nowhere and asked me if I would ask my boss who we both knew attended a local christian church if we could accompany her on Sunday. Needless to say it's like we've found a second family. One who encourages finding God within yourself. I haven't felt so hopeful in years, even before my grandmothers death. 

It has not been a perfect road but it's been one well worth it and I look forward to what the Lord has in my future! <3

Matthew 5:16 

16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

You

I miss you!

I listened to an old 
voicemail I had saved from you,

It was the last one you 
left before you got sick.

Your voice was always so warm 
and your words so welcoming.

It made my heart warm to hear it!

I wish I could have you back...

Life always seemed so 
possible when you were in it.

You always made 
me feel so capable.

I could do no wrong and 
you always reminded me of that.

Yellow is the color I 
think of when it comes to you.

Bright, warm and cheery!

It's all blue now... 
unforgiving, secretive, unknowing.
-NorthSlopeWife

Alone

You were in my dreams last night...

I couldn't save you!

I woke with a guilt that I haven't let myself feel yet.

My ideal of love and friendship was not enough.

I was being selfish.

I remember many times you tried to reach out without success.

I am sorry!

There are so many things left undone and unsaid.

I hope you're happy and unafraid!

I hope you feel love beyond the universe.

You were the bravest person I've ever known.

I hope you don't feel lonely.

My biggest fear is that you're alone.

They say you feel your loved ones when they're gone.

I don't feel you and it scares me.

I listen to songs that remind me of you.

I do and say things that I think you would do,

but it all feels empty.

I wish I knew where you were.

I love you, you beautiful soul!

-NorthSlopeWife

Grams

Your beautiful soul, with it's beautiful light,
with its wonderful color and extraordinary might.

With your heart so tender and your words so wise,
with your sharp mind and your love beyond the skies.

You're the warmest glow on the coldest night,
when everything is wrong you make it all feel right.

You're the encouragement that we all need to hear,
and the shoulder to cry on when we shed a tear.

You're the brightest sun on the gloomiest days,
you're the voice of reason in all of the right ways.

You're the dearest friend any person could know,
you're the greatest comfort when I'm down and low.

You're one person I've always looked up to most,
you've fought through life without having to boast.

I'm so grateful to have you and the things you've shared,
like how unconditionally someone can love and truly care.

I'm blessed to be your granddaughter!

For me that means I get all of the above,
and so many more delightful things.

I could go on forever,
but words will never be able to describe all that you are!

-NorthSlopeWife

Bittersweet time.

I would like you to be part of my present,

as much as you were in my past.

But I don't think you can be.

When we're young feelings are blind.

We become fond of people, no matter the circumstances.

So when I left, you stayed put.

I had to figure out how to survive without you,

And you too had to learn to survive without me.

The struggle to stay above water became priority.

Once we learned how to float, we were able to view,

view the relationship we once had. 

It now looked so different.

You smiled because of the comfort you remember of it,

but you shiver because it brings a new coldness.

It's so twisted...

Fond memories of acceptance and caring,

accompanied by the feeling of a stranger.

How can I love you and fear you the same?

You know a part of me that my future never will,

but my future is not yours to exist in.

It's like reading an original book and then burning it.

The bittersweet enjoyment of knowing it's content but

never being able to share it with anyone ever again.

I'm stuck in a time lapse,

I don't know how to move on from here.

I need to be let go.
-NorthSlopeWife

My thought.

I'm at a loss. I am struggling between being the person I am and being the person I know I should be.

The person I am is a loner, I love time to myself. I have a few close people that I trust. I am lazy, I don't focus on anything big and my happiness comes from small things. I settle. I get lost in music, and poetry and anything artistic or complex. I am a big child. My heart is deep and vulnerable. (I am this way because I enjoy most of it.)

The person I should be, is outgoing because as a grown confident woman I should be able to make adult conversation. I should take pride in running an organized life and never drop the ball. I shouldn't waste time. I should dream big and constantly focus on what my next step should be. I should be able to control my emotions and talk things out with others. 

I love who I am but want to reap the benefits of the latter. 

I'm torn!

-NorthSlopeWife

I've got your back!

Tonight I am having a hard time... Rather than telling me to toughen up or dismiss my feelings, you decided to tell me the sweetest thing I would want to hear at this moment. "I've got your back!" My anger, my frustration, my drowning feeling instantly subsided. I'm still a little upset but the fact that I have someone to stand me up when I have fallen makes up for it. I look at your things around the house in total admiration. You can be hundreds of miles away and yet I still feel so safe and so loved. I just want you to know that I am in complete awe of how amazing you are. You are bold, and fearless in ways I have never seen before... because behind all of that brave stuff I know that you still have a heart. You're not going to go out of your way to be nasty to someone just because you can. You are a man! The definition of a man. You stick up for what is right in the world, whether it is easy or hard. You love with a heart of gold (that is my favorite expression that my grams says). I will never be able to repay you for all of the wonderful things you have done and continue to do for me. I do not know why God thought that I deserved you but I will be forever grateful. I will never look at you and want you to leave. I want you to be my forever, just as much as I want to be yours. You've showed me what it means to love a person's soul. I know I am far from perfect in so many aspects and yet you love me. THANK YOU for loving me. Thank you for being my spine when my own doesn't work. Thank you for giving me the chance to have you in my life. It is the easiest and best decision I have ever made.

-NorthSlopeWife