You

I miss you!

I listened to an old 
voicemail I had saved from you,

It was the last one you 
left before you got sick.

Your voice was always so warm 
and your words so welcoming.

It made my heart warm to hear it!

I wish I could have you back...

Life always seemed so 
possible when you were in it.

You always made 
me feel so capable.

I could do no wrong and 
you always reminded me of that.

Yellow is the color I 
think of when it comes to you.

Bright, warm and cheery!

It's all blue now... 
unforgiving, secretive, unknowing.
-NorthSlopeWife

Alone

You were in my dreams last night...

I couldn't save you!

I woke with a guilt that I haven't let myself feel yet.

My ideal of love and friendship was not enough.

I was being selfish.

I remember many times you tried to reach out without success.

I am sorry!

There are so many things left undone and unsaid.

I hope you're happy and unafraid!

I hope you feel love beyond the universe.

You were the bravest person I've ever known.

I hope you don't feel lonely.

My biggest fear is that you're alone.

They say you feel your loved ones when they're gone.

I don't feel you and it scares me.

I listen to songs that remind me of you.

I do and say things that I think you would do,

but it all feels empty.

I wish I knew where you were.

I love you, you beautiful soul!

-NorthSlopeWife

Grams

Your beautiful soul, with it's beautiful light,
with its wonderful color and extraordinary might.

With your heart so tender and your words so wise,
with your sharp mind and your love beyond the skies.

You're the warmest glow on the coldest night,
when everything is wrong you make it all feel right.

You're the encouragement that we all need to hear,
and the shoulder to cry on when we shed a tear.

You're the brightest sun on the gloomiest days,
you're the voice of reason in all of the right ways.

You're the dearest friend any person could know,
you're the greatest comfort when I'm down and low.

You're one person I've always looked up to most,
you've fought through life without having to boast.

I'm so grateful to have you and the things you've shared,
like how unconditionally someone can love and truly care.

I'm blessed to be your granddaughter!

For me that means I get all of the above,
and so many more delightful things.

I could go on forever,
but words will never be able to describe all that you are!

-NorthSlopeWife

Bittersweet time.

I would like you to be part of my present,

as much as you were in my past.

But I don't think you can be.

When we're young feelings are blind.

We become fond of people, no matter the circumstances.

So when I left, you stayed put.

I had to figure out how to survive without you,

And you too had to learn to survive without me.

The struggle to stay above water became priority.

Once we learned how to float, we were able to view,

view the relationship we once had. 

It now looked so different.

You smiled because of the comfort you remember of it,

but you shiver because it brings a new coldness.

It's so twisted...

Fond memories of acceptance and caring,

accompanied by the feeling of a stranger.

How can I love you and fear you the same?

You know a part of me that my future never will,

but my future is not yours to exist in.

It's like reading an original book and then burning it.

The bittersweet enjoyment of knowing it's content but

never being able to share it with anyone ever again.

I'm stuck in a time lapse,

I don't know how to move on from here.

I need to be let go.
-NorthSlopeWife

My thought.

I'm at a loss. I am struggling between being the person I am and being the person I know I should be.

The person I am is a loner, I love time to myself. I have a few close people that I trust. I am lazy, I don't focus on anything big and my happiness comes from small things. I settle. I get lost in music, and poetry and anything artistic or complex. I am a big child. My heart is deep and vulnerable. (I am this way because I enjoy most of it.)

The person I should be, is outgoing because as a grown confident woman I should be able to make adult conversation. I should take pride in running an organized life and never drop the ball. I shouldn't waste time. I should dream big and constantly focus on what my next step should be. I should be able to control my emotions and talk things out with others. 

I love who I am but want to reap the benefits of the latter. 

I'm torn!

-NorthSlopeWife

I've got your back!

Tonight I am having a hard time... Rather than telling me to toughen up or dismiss my feelings, you decided to tell me the sweetest thing I would want to hear at this moment. "I've got your back!" My anger, my frustration, my drowning feeling instantly subsided. I'm still a little upset but the fact that I have someone to stand me up when I have fallen makes up for it. I look at your things around the house in total admiration. You can be hundreds of miles away and yet I still feel so safe and so loved. I just want you to know that I am in complete awe of how amazing you are. You are bold, and fearless in ways I have never seen before... because behind all of that brave stuff I know that you still have a heart. You're not going to go out of your way to be nasty to someone just because you can. You are a man! The definition of a man. You stick up for what is right in the world, whether it is easy or hard. You love with a heart of gold (that is my favorite expression that my grams says). I will never be able to repay you for all of the wonderful things you have done and continue to do for me. I do not know why God thought that I deserved you but I will be forever grateful. I will never look at you and want you to leave. I want you to be my forever, just as much as I want to be yours. You've showed me what it means to love a person's soul. I know I am far from perfect in so many aspects and yet you love me. THANK YOU for loving me. Thank you for being my spine when my own doesn't work. Thank you for giving me the chance to have you in my life. It is the easiest and best decision I have ever made.

-NorthSlopeWife

My oilfield man...Time stops

I have decided to vent via writing, because as my best friend of 7 years, you know that is how I get over things best. You and I have just had a bit of a disagreement. I have made you feel like I do not care to talk to you. When you called I was doing one of the things I do far too often, lounge in my bathtub. I was a bit disconnected and our conversation wasn't really flowing. In my defense I would like to explain:

Baby, Time Stops...

As soon as you pack your bag the night before you have to catch the early flight,

When you wake me at 4 am to kiss me goodbye for two weeks.

When your boots hit the ground on the north slope,

it means I will not have you at my disposal when I need a listening ear.

Whether it's to tell you that, "I love you" or what I think about the sunset.

Our life is beautiful...

you have showered me with more wonderful things than I know what to do with.

You're the hardest working man I've ever known and no matter how big a task, 

if you put your mind to it, you my love, make it happen. 

You provide for us well beyond what many people could dream.

But baby, did you know that time stops?

When you're not around our house is quiet and empty.

Your tv shows, your laugh, yourself, is missing.

I spend way too much time thinking about what I could be telling you.

The first few days are fine but after too many... my heart aches.

You once said you were told that, "No matter how many years pass, it never gets easier."

Little did I know that statement would be 100% right. 

I didn't take into account that every day I would love you more.

Life really does come to a halt when you're not around.

We spend our whole lives looking for the perfect companion and baby I found mine.

But holidays aren't holidays without you, going to the movie theater isn't fun without you,

cuddling up on a cold winters night to drink hot chocolate isn't comforting without you.

You my dear have become a piece of me and without you near I am not complete.

Please excuse me when I seem distant... It is my way of staying strong. Because when I get too involved when you're gone, it just makes it worse (you know me, I'm emotional). You've told me this same thing for years and it used to make me angry. I couldn't understand how you could just shut off because you were gone. I get it now. You must suck it up to keep yourself from going crazy. 

I look forward to whatever phone calls I can get, what ever text messages you send. I am always on standby when it comes to you. I only get you for half the time, I want to be selfish. You're caring, loving, driven, bold, fearless, you're my amazing! But that's why time stops, when you're gone.

-NorthSlopeWife