My thought.

I'm at a loss. I am struggling between being the person I am and being the person I know I should be.

The person I am is a loner, I love time to myself. I have a few close people that I trust. I am lazy, I don't focus on anything big and my happiness comes from small things. I settle. I get lost in music, and poetry and anything artistic or complex. I am a big child. My heart is deep and vulnerable. (I am this way because I enjoy most of it.)

The person I should be, is outgoing because as a grown confident woman I should be able to make adult conversation. I should take pride in running an organized life and never drop the ball. I shouldn't waste time. I should dream big and constantly focus on what my next step should be. I should be able to control my emotions and talk things out with others. 

I love who I am but want to reap the benefits of the latter. 

I'm torn!

-NorthSlopeWife

I've got your back!

Tonight I am having a hard time... Rather than telling me to toughen up or dismiss my feelings, you decided to tell me the sweetest thing I would want to hear at this moment. "I've got your back!" My anger, my frustration, my drowning feeling instantly subsided. I'm still a little upset but the fact that I have someone to stand me up when I have fallen makes up for it. I look at your things around the house in total admiration. You can be hundreds of miles away and yet I still feel so safe and so loved. I just want you to know that I am in complete awe of how amazing you are. You are bold, and fearless in ways I have never seen before... because behind all of that brave stuff I know that you still have a heart. You're not going to go out of your way to be nasty to someone just because you can. You are a man! The definition of a man. You stick up for what is right in the world, whether it is easy or hard. You love with a heart of gold (that is my favorite expression that my grams says). I will never be able to repay you for all of the wonderful things you have done and continue to do for me. I do not know why God thought that I deserved you but I will be forever grateful. I will never look at you and want you to leave. I want you to be my forever, just as much as I want to be yours. You've showed me what it means to love a person's soul. I know I am far from perfect in so many aspects and yet you love me. THANK YOU for loving me. Thank you for being my spine when my own doesn't work. Thank you for giving me the chance to have you in my life. It is the easiest and best decision I have ever made.

-NorthSlopeWife

My oilfield man...Time stops

I have decided to vent via writing, because as my best friend of 7 years, you know that is how I get over things best. You and I have just had a bit of a disagreement. I have made you feel like I do not care to talk to you. When you called I was doing one of the things I do far too often, lounge in my bathtub. I was a bit disconnected and our conversation wasn't really flowing. In my defense I would like to explain:

Baby, Time Stops...

As soon as you pack your bag the night before you have to catch the early flight,

When you wake me at 4 am to kiss me goodbye for two weeks.

When your boots hit the ground on the north slope,

it means I will not have you at my disposal when I need a listening ear.

Whether it's to tell you that, "I love you" or what I think about the sunset.

Our life is beautiful...

you have showered me with more wonderful things than I know what to do with.

You're the hardest working man I've ever known and no matter how big a task, 

if you put your mind to it, you my love, make it happen. 

You provide for us well beyond what many people could dream.

But baby, did you know that time stops?

When you're not around our house is quiet and empty.

Your tv shows, your laugh, yourself, is missing.

I spend way too much time thinking about what I could be telling you.

The first few days are fine but after too many... my heart aches.

You once said you were told that, "No matter how many years pass, it never gets easier."

Little did I know that statement would be 100% right. 

I didn't take into account that every day I would love you more.

Life really does come to a halt when you're not around.

We spend our whole lives looking for the perfect companion and baby I found mine.

But holidays aren't holidays without you, going to the movie theater isn't fun without you,

cuddling up on a cold winters night to drink hot chocolate isn't comforting without you.

You my dear have become a piece of me and without you near I am not complete.

Please excuse me when I seem distant... It is my way of staying strong. Because when I get too involved when you're gone, it just makes it worse (you know me, I'm emotional). You've told me this same thing for years and it used to make me angry. I couldn't understand how you could just shut off because you were gone. I get it now. You must suck it up to keep yourself from going crazy. 

I look forward to whatever phone calls I can get, what ever text messages you send. I am always on standby when it comes to you. I only get you for half the time, I want to be selfish. You're caring, loving, driven, bold, fearless, you're my amazing! But that's why time stops, when you're gone.

-NorthSlopeWife

Boycotting "Commerical Christmas"

Today marks 7 days until Christmas! I remember being a little girl in a two bedroom apartment with one sibling, a little sister. Every Christmas Eve, like most kids, mom and dad would tell us that if we weren't asleep soon, Santa wouldn't make it to our house this year. We would scurry off to bed and toss and turn until 4am when we'd run into my parents room and tell them it was time to get up. Of course they'd send us back into our bedroom and tell us to lay down for a little while longer, it was too early. Ugh! We both cringed at that every year! Then 5am would roll around and we'd try again, with another failed attempt. Once 6am hit there was no taming us... if we were told to go back to bed we'd beg and pout, while jumping up and down on their bed. Never in the 14 years that we lived in that apartment did my parents get to sleep passed 6am on Christmas morning. The season was rich within our tiny souls. After opening all of the gifts my sister and I would take turns making phone calls to family to tell them what we had received that year. The warmth in your heart that as a child you thought was from gifts, but now you realized it was the love and appreciation you had for FAMILY, always made the holidays the best time of year. Fast forward eight years: My husband, my father and my father-in-law all work in the oilfield industry in Alaska. Which means they're not always home for the holidays. The oilfield knows no boundaries when it comes to birthdays, football games, weddings, etc. When you're meant to be there, you're going to be there. No questions asked! Every year you have to shuffle accordingly, depending on who's home and who isn't. This year not one of the three will be here. Out of pity for myself, which I know isn't completely warranted. I decided I am boycotting the "Commercial Christmas". I will not be putting up a tree, lights, my husband and I are not buying presents for each other. For me Christmas is all fun and games when it comes to decorating the house and buying gifts, but when you don't have your family together to share it. Those things are nice, but that's just it, THEY ARE THINGS! I would rather have none of it and have my family sitting next to me, than to have all the gifts and decorations in the world. If you're away from family for the holidays, just know you're not alone!     

  
-NorthSlopeWife